I decided to post another one tonight, as I’m trying to start this Blog off. So please enjoy another episode…well… if enjoy what I’m writing about that is.
This Blog will slowly explain more about my humor and mind, giving you a insight into my real life history and why I am the way I am. Why Nature DEEP the web-comic series is the way it is.
So… um… Army Basic Training in Winchester… I loved it, I remember the first day, collecting all the gear, getting measured for all the clothes and new boots, It was fun and exciting. I enjoyed the strictness, and tried so… bloody desperately not to laugh when the NCO’s were shouting/screaming at us. Our first week we were all lined up on the parade square in front of the Corporal Of Horse, he was screaming at us as something had upset him, while he was busy bollocking us, across the other side in an open window of another dorm, a guy poked his head out and made the loudest ‘Horses Neigh’ and shot out of sight as the Corporal Of Horse turned round, of course we started to giggle, so he turned back round and screamed even louder at us to “shut the fuck up!” or our punishment would be worse. He then proceeded to turn back to the opposite dorm, march towards it and start screaming at it! “SHOW YOURSELF NOW!” “I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU!” etc… damn it I just could not hold in my laugh it just kept snorting out of me, watching this man screaming at a building. He was the first NCO I had that just made it so much fun, like the first time I watched him walk into our room and grab some of our gear and launch it out of the open window, I just wanted to burst out laughing.
Three weeks after we moved on to the next stage of training. I cant remember the name of the Platoon I was in but I remember the NCO’s. They were bloody brilliant, one of them was a thin guy who reminded me of Jim Carrey, another one was a small Military Police Corporal who had a very dry sense of humor, and was quite serious, another Corporal was a a very sturdy infantryman who you really did not want to piss off and if you did he would get right up in your face and start off quietly and get louder until he was screaming in your face. The last was the Platoon Sgt, a real awesome guy, very funny, great sense of humor and would leave the bollockings to his Corporals. I remember a few great moments, for the Jim Carey look alike, my fav was being in what I called Geography… (maps) half way through he got bored and so if anyone answered a question wrong they would have to stand on their desk. When it was my turn to stand on the desk I was told to put my left hand on my head, and hold my left foot in the air. I remember a time where we pissed off one of the Corporals and had ten minutes to scoff our food down and get back outside, once outside he marched us up and down the parade square as fast as we could go, we just got faster and faster and most of us could just not hold in the laughter, the more we laughed the faster we marched/ran, once he got bored he took us back to our Lines (dorm) and gave us Change Parade. We had five minutes to get to our bed space, put on the clothing he asked for and get back outside, this went on until we went through every item of clothing we had. I just wanted to laugh, and once I did was sent to the guard room at 10pm to show ‘laugh removed from face’ it was so hard not to laugh harder as people around me were all there for even more funny things, one guy had to show ‘dust removed from his pocket’, another was to show ‘creases in his sports shorts’, my favorite was this guy who had to show ‘dead fly removed from his locker’ which just made me laugh and so I had to come back at 11pm to show ‘laugh removed from face’.
There were plenty of hard times, like running up hills in full NBC (Nuclear Biological and Chemical) kit, which was hot and I hated the restriction of breathing through the S10 Respirator … I think that was the name of it.
I remember the long marches and physical fitness training that just made me want to drop to the floor. One evening, we were all ordered outside to scrape the moss and weeds out from the bricks on the path with our chosen ‘knife, fork or spoon’ I chose my fork. I remember sitting there for what felt like hours and hours just chatting and laughing with the guys.
I remember the first time I was handed live ammunition, “Holy Crap” I thought…”i have live ammunition in my hand”. seems stupid now.
laying down in the dirt to fire off at the targets was great fun, something rather therapeutic about it, the sounds of the moving parts of the rifle (SA80) hearing the reload and the smell of the powder, I just kind of ‘zoned out’.
I loved the exercises where we practiced fire maneuvers, running forward and fire off. One time in pairs we had to run as fast as we could to charge the enemy (a piece of wood) I ran as fast as I could straight through a bush, and fired auto. I was pumped! but then the Corporal started to talk to me and stopped, tilted his head and said “what the hell did you do to your nose Hayward?” “It’s bleeding everywhere”, I had a huge thorn dug into the bridge of my nose and blood was dribbling out all down my face. Made me laugh.
I think my most favorite memory though, was a day where our Platoon Sgt was coming up to our eight man rooms to give us a room inspection, we were all picking any last dirt off the floor, (I used to put it in my pockets) and as he opened the door we all stood to attention beside our beds. I can’t remember what he did for most people, but one guy two beds down from me (Gwar) had something in his sports bag and so the Sgt put it over his head, I almost burst out laughing when he mumbled from within the bag “yes Sgt”.
Then it was my turn, he walked passed me and looked through my locker, I heard him say “Good Hayward” then he stopped…
“Oh My God Hayward”…
“What the fuck is this?”
I turned with a little panic and said “What Sgt?”
“This here Hayward”, “on your soap bar”…
“It’s a FUCKING PUBIC HAIR HAYWARD!”…
Now I swear to this day I don’t know why I instantly replied with…
“It’s not mine Sgt”.
He looked at me and almost spluttered a laugh, he turned and looked at everyone else and said “Which one of you did this?”…
“which one of you dirty fuckers did this?”
“WHO…put a fucking PUBIC HAIR…on Haywards bar of Soap!?”,
as soon as I heard him say that I burst out laughing he span round with a smile and said “get down and give me twenty push ups Hayward” he then turned to one of the guys opposite me and started to carry on his inspection, I then heard him say quietly “Did you put that pubic hair on Haywards soap bar?” well I just could not hold it in, I started laughing while doing the push ups and stopped in mid air, The Sgt then replied with “make it another fifty push ups Hayward”.
I loved that day, a real sense of hard work mixed with fun.
I think I will stop there… well tuff I am stopping there.
My Journal I can do what I want.
Nature DEEP and Max Tugger 